Paris, a Bloody Lip, and 52 Rules From a Real-Life Katharine Hepburn

I know a kind of Katharine Hepburn in real-life. She's disciplined, efficient, ballsy, elegant, principled, practical, and (as I continue to say, somewhat cheesily) sucks all the meat of life's bones. She is so COMPLETELY all these things, that it's difficult to articulate.

We'll call her Ethel, and Ethel could probably save the world if she had a mind to it, but she's happy doing her job well and flying to Paris on the weekends.

Currently, Ethel is a major part of my life for two reasons: her 52 rules, and the fact that she's taking me to Paris for the first time in April.

The Paris part is just awesome. That needs no explanation. The 52 rules are more complicated.

It's a running joke with Ethel that she has 52 rules, but we've never stated what all of them are. She always says "rule number 52:" followed by some maxim or principle of hers. It's always number 52. I've always been curious to see what all 52 rules were, and suspected there were actually MORE than 52...

Ethel and I got shit-drunk recently off Beaujolais and Veuve Cliquot. This was a special occasion. Though Ethel does have a pricey house wine that she orders in cases and stores in the basement, the Veuve doesn't flow like water at her place...although wouldn't that be nice?

I started asking her about the 52 rules. They've been on my mind during this blog, as I try and eke out what Hepburn's rules may have been.

"Weewlk," said Ethel (translated into Sober, that means "Well"), "Let's fgre tout!" (Translation: Figure it out).

And thus we began working through the 52 rules.

It took us about three hours, during which I lit a cigarette backwards and upon inhaling the rotten fumes, dropped my cigarette into a glass of wine, then forgot about the cigarette and took a long sip of the glass of wine, which caused me to gag, run to the sink to spit it out, but I vomited a little (and once you open up the vomit comet, its difficult to stop, so I vomited some more), then when Ethel tried to get maternal about it (which she ain't great at) she ended up burning a whole in my sweater with HER cigarette and I didn't even notice until the cigarette got through to the flesh, at which point I jerked my head up, smacked Ethel in the jaw, and made her lip bleed...

I wish I could say I was stealing that from a Will Ferrell movie...but I'm not.

So here they are. We literally bled, suffered, and vomited to get these 52 rules to you. They're a part of Ethel, a part of me, and I'll be bringing them to Paris with me, most definitely.

1. Never put a napkin directly on your plate at the end of a meal unless it’s paper – totally rude and uncivilized.
2. Know how long things take – this is the key to efficiency.
3. Over-estimate cost and under-estimate profit – things will always cost more than you think.
4. Challenge yourself – it’s good for you.
5. Never make excuses for yourself – an excuse is just a poor man’s apology.
6. Old people and babies come first.
7. The best defense is a good offense – and a good offense is being well-read.
8. There is no such thing as useless information.
9. “Curiosity killed the cat” is a stupid saying – curiosity is, in fact, what makes for interesting people.
10. Know ALL the interesting people you can – even if they’re strange/mean/unsettling.
11. Never forget a face/name/phone number – you never know who can be useful.
12. If you want something, there’s no reason for it not to happen – making things happen is simpler than you think.
13. Always say please and thank you.
14. The little things mean a lot – it takes two seconds to write a post card but makes someone’s entire day.
15.  If you want to have an opinion about something, you have to have read it/watched it/heard it/been to it. So read/watch/listen to/go to everything you can.
16. Always live somewhere walking distance from The New York Times, a litre of milk, and a flower shop (the latter I don't give a good goddamn about).
17. It’s really noticeable if you dress like a homeless lady, but doesn’t take a lot to dress well.
18. The simple things in life are brilliant – soft towels, pretty colors, a well-tied ribbon.
19. Eat seasonally – it’s not difficult and so worth it.
20. Dogs and babies are a serious life choice – you better be damn well ready for them.
21. You’re not drinking if it’s WHITE wine.
22. Do the simple math when funding a project– i.e. how much money do you want to raise divided by cost divided by number of people in attendance, etc…
23. Learn to entertain yourself – no one should be expected to do it for you.
24. Learn to take care of yourself – past a certain age, no one should be expected to do it for you. Then you reach a certain age when you hope others love you enough to do it for you...
25. Know the sale days – be patient and wait for them (after a bad day, if you feel Shop Therapy coming on, stop and think for a second about when the next sale day is. Do you really need to buy that bra right this very moment?)
26. You’re never too good to cut coupons.
27. Even if it’s Value Village, stop and ask if you’re actually going to wear it.
28. If you haven’t worn it in a month, you probably won't again.
29. When it comes to fancy dress, ask friends –if you’re only going to wear it once, do you really need to go out and buy a new outfit?
30. Drink lots of water!
31. Every time you see a word you don’t know, look it up – how else does a vocabulary grow?
32. TV should only be watched when there is something worth watching – channel surfing is just a waste of precious minutes.
33. Katharine Hepburn is God.
34. Travel.
35. Plan ahead – if you plan day-by-day, you’ll be sorely disappointed when you realize the rest of the world doesn’t operate that way.
36. Keep a journal.
37. Lipstick and sunglasses – always remember lipstick and sunglasses.
38. Fear is really quite useless – a second glance will often reveal how pointless it is.
39. When serving others, always make sure they have a drink at least, even if it’s water.
40. Festive doesn’t have to be tacky – “festive” can be delightful and charming.
41. You don’t need a whole chocolate cake to be satisfied – a few bites of a good chocolate cake is so worth the calories.
42. Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you – it’s the only way to learn. 
43. A reasonable tip is twenty per cent, not fifteen. 
44. Take care of your fingers and toes - your feet carry you, and no one wants to eat in public with someone with dirty fingers.
45. Have mentors, as many as you can. 
46. Only become a mentor when you're ready. 
47. Get to know your wines and cheeses - you may not be a wonderful chef, but if you know your wines and cheeses, at least you can entertain 
48. Bags and shoes really don't have to match. 
49. The King's Speech is a real movie (I disagree with this. I think Wanted, Gnomeo and Juliet, and all those cheap thrill films are just as valid)
50. Get to know your parents and grandparents - they might not go partying with you on a Saturday night, but they have great stories, oodles of history, and (hopefully) would do anything for you
51. If/when you go traveling, hang with the locals - skip the tourist stuff. You can watch it on YouTube. 
52. Hope is not a strategy.

With a smile,

Moise